sky_hye: (012)
[personal profile] sky_hye
When this project is over, and if it finally bears fruit, I'm throwing a Guilty Party.
I've been saying this ever since I was ...pause... in my 20's... and that's a long time!

The thing that keeps me from throwing that party is, I haven't fulfilled the second half of the requirement. I haven't achieved a point in life where my preferred work is self-sustaining. I remain more determined to reach career success than seek the enjoyment of friends. I love to visit with friends. I believe they enjoy my company, too. But I learned that I can't socialize and reach career success at the same time.

This video project is huge. Before that, running a school was huge. All-consuming activities like these leave little time for friendships. Painting full time is how I crave to spend my time again, but this has not yet proven to be self-sustaining work. Had it been, I could have found balance in life long ago. I hate to think how happy decades of my life would have been, had I found success early and never suffered this guilt over neglected friends.

As I see it, the only cure for this guilt is to power through my current project and get it on the market. Looking at it, I believe the dvd will be so good, it will surely sell well. If it does as well as I think it will, and if it opens out a block of time for painting, I will at last be able to reconnect with neglected friends.

I have a growing list of names that only evoke excruciating feelings of guilt when I think of them. They don't deserve to be associated with pain. I care for these people and should only feel happiness when I think of them. How do I reconnect when the pain of guilt stands in the way? My solution has always been to reach that obscure state of career stability, and then throw a big Guilty Party with great food in a beautiful outdoor setting. I will come clean, confess my guilt, and accept recriminations as they come -- you know, just get it all out there and completely over with. Maybe after that, I will be free of this enormous burden of guilt.
What will it feel like, I wonder?

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